Feel more steady in yourself and less pulled by self-doubt
Self-doubt can shape how you see yourself, even when you are capable and functioning well. It often shows up as second-guessing, hesitation, or replaying interactions after they happen. Over time, it can become harder to trust your own perspective. I’m a licensed clinical psychologist in Brooklyn, and I work with adults who want to understand these patterns and change them. In our work, we look closely at the thoughts and habits that keep self-doubt going and build a steadier way of relating to yourself.
Competence and confidence are two different experiences.
You can know you’re qualified, that you’ve earned your position, and that people value you. But knowing something and feeling it are not the same. Many people function well while carrying a quiet sense of doubt about whether they are actually good enough.
This doubt shows up in different ways. Some people overwork to prove themselves. Others avoid opportunities because the risk of failure feels too high. Some spend a lot of time trying to read how they are coming across. Others downplay their successes or attribute them to luck. What makes this frustrating is that rational thinking does not always change how you feel. You can point to your accomplishments, receive positive feedback, and still feel unconvinced.
In therapy, we focus on the thoughts and patterns that keep this going. CBT allows us to look at the beliefs that drive self-doubt and work together to change how you respond to them so you can function in line with your actual capabilities.
It's possible to feel steadier in yourself.
Self-esteem therapy is often a fit if you:
We examine the thought patterns that maintain doubt.
In CBT for low self-esteem, we start by identifying the specific situations where self-doubt shows up most strongly. This might be at work, in relationships, when making decisions, or when receiving feedback. We look at the automatic thoughts that surface in these moments and examine the beliefs underneath them.
Many people with low self-esteem carry core beliefs like “I’m not good enough,” “I have to be perfect to be acceptable,” or “If people really knew me, they wouldn’t respect me.” These beliefs often developed early and persist even when current evidence contradicts them.
We work together to:
You already have the skills you doubt you have. Therapy helps you recognize them.
Hi, I'm Nellie Harari
I’m a licensed psychologist with specialized training in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for depression, anxiety, and self-esteem concerns. Many of my clients are high-achieving individuals who appear successful on the outside but struggle with persistent feelings of not being good enough.
I work collaboratively with people who are willing to examine their thought patterns, try new perspectives, and actively work toward change.
My approach combines the structure and evidence base of CBT with warmth and flexibility. I focus on helping people understand where their patterns come from and build practical skills they can use outside of sessions. Clients often describe my style as gentle but direct, analytical but compassionate.
I draw primarily from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and integrate other evidence-based approaches depending on what will be most helpful. Different people respond to different methods, and I tailor the work to fit your specific patterns and goals.
CBT for low self-esteem focuses on the relationship between thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. We identify the automatic thoughts that surface when you doubt yourself and examine the core beliefs underneath them. Many people carry beliefs like “I’m not good enough” or “I have to be perfect” that developed early and persist despite evidence to the contrary.
In CBT, we work together to:
ACT focuses on clarifying what matters to you and taking action based on your values rather than on avoiding discomfort or seeking approval. For people with low self-esteem, this often means learning to act according to their values even when self-doubt is present.
In ACT, we explore:
This approach addresses the harsh self-criticism that often accompanies low self-esteem. Many people talk to themselves in ways they would never talk to someone they care about. Compassion-focused work helps develop a kinder internal voice.
In sessions, we practice:
Low self-esteem often leads to avoidance of situations where you might be evaluated or where failure is possible. This avoidance reinforces the belief that you’re not capable and limits your life. Behavioral activation involves reconnecting with personally valuable and meaningful experiences. In exposure therapy, you gradually approach situations you’ve been avoiding and gather actual evidence about your abilities.
We work on:
Low self-esteem influences how you show up in many areas of life. It affects decisions, relationships, work performance, and how you respond to both success and setbacks. Understanding these patterns is often the first step toward changing them.
At work, low self-esteem often shows up as imposter syndrome, overwork, or perfectionism. You might feel like you have to work twice as hard to prove you belong, or avoid taking on visible projects because the possibility of failure feels too risky.
Successes might feel like luck rather than skill, and mistakes might feel like confirmation that you don’t belong. This creates a cycle where you work hard but struggle to internalize your accomplishments, which maintains the feeling that you’re not actually competent.
In relationships, low self-esteem can lead to people-pleasing, difficulty setting boundaries, or constant worry about what others think. You might agree to things you don’t want to do because saying no feels impossible. You might stay in relationships that don’t work because you worry you won’t find better. Or you might avoid close relationships altogether because letting people know you feels too vulnerable. The fear of rejection or abandonment often drives decisions more than what you actually want.
When self-esteem is low, making decisions becomes difficult because you don’t trust your own judgment. You might seek excessive reassurance from others, change your mind repeatedly, or avoid decisions altogether. Small choices can feel overwhelming because making the wrong choice feels like evidence of inadequacy. This lack of self-trust extends to many areas and makes it hard to move forward even when you logically know what you want to do.
People with low self-esteem often struggle with feedback in both directions. Positive feedback gets dismissed, minimized, or attributed to external factors. Negative feedback or even neutral observations get interpreted as confirmation that you’re not good enough. This creates a filtering system where only information that confirms low self-worth gets through, while evidence of competence gets discounted. Over time, this makes it nearly impossible to develop an accurate view of your abilities.
The way you talk to yourself matters. Many people with low self-esteem maintain a constant internal commentary that is harsh, punishing, and unforgiving. Mistakes become character flaws. Struggles become evidence of failure. This self-critical voice often sounds like messages from earlier in life, and it operates automatically even when you consciously know it’s not fair or accurate.
Low self-esteem frequently leads to avoiding situations where you might be evaluated, judged, or where failure is possible. This might mean turning down promotions, not pursuing relationships, avoiding social situations, or staying in situations that feel safe even when they’re not fulfilling. The avoidance protects you from potential failure or rejection in the short term, but it reinforces the belief that you can’t handle challenges and limits your life significantly.
Low self-esteem develops from many sources and shows up differently for different people. Understanding these patterns helps clarify what needs to change.
Core beliefs are the fundamental assumptions you hold about yourself. Common core beliefs in low self-esteem include “I’m not good enough,” “I’m unlovable,” “I’m incompetent,” or “I’m a fraud.” These beliefs often formed early, sometimes from childhood experiences of criticism, comparison, or conditional approval. Even when current circumstances contradict these beliefs, they persist because they filter how you interpret new information.
In practice, someone might receive positive performance reviews but focus exclusively on the one area mentioned for improvement. This selective attention maintains the core belief even when evidence suggests it’s not accurate.
Many people with low self-esteem set impossibly high standards and then use failure to meet them as evidence of inadequacy. If the standard is perfection, then anything less confirms the belief that you’re not good enough. This creates a system where success is temporary and conditional, while failure feels permanent and defining.
Perfectionism often looks productive from the outside, but it’s driven by fear rather than genuine standards. The goal shifts from doing well to avoiding the feeling of being inadequate, which makes even accomplishments feel hollow.
Constant comparison to others is common with low self-esteem. You might automatically notice where others seem more successful, more confident, more attractive, or more competent. These comparisons are rarely fair because you’re comparing your internal experience to their external presentation.
The comparison habit creates a moving target where you can never measure up because there will always be someone doing better in some area. This keeps you focused on what you lack rather than what you have or what progress you’re making.
When self-worth depends on external validation, your mood and sense of stability shift based on others’ reactions. Praise feels good temporarily, but doesn’t stick. Criticism or perceived disapproval confirms what you already believe about yourself. This makes it difficult to maintain steady self-regard because it’s always contingent on factors outside your control.
Over time, seeking validation becomes automatic, but it doesn’t actually build stable self-esteem because the source remains external. Even when validation comes, it gets filtered through the core belief that you’re not enough.
People with low self-esteem often discount their accomplishments through various mental strategies. Successes get attributed to luck, timing, help from others, or the task being easier than expected. This prevents positive experiences from updating your self-concept.
In sessions, this might sound like “Anyone could have done that,” or “I just got lucky,” or “The bar was low.” These explanations maintain low self-esteem by ensuring that success never counts as evidence of competence.
Avoiding situations where you might fail or be judged is a common protective strategy. This might mean not applying for positions you’re qualified for, not speaking up in meetings, avoiding social situations, or staying in relationships or jobs that feel safe even when they’re limiting.
Avoidance reduces anxiety in the short term but reinforces the belief that you can’t handle challenges. It also prevents you from gathering evidence that would contradict your negative self-beliefs, which keeps the cycle going.
Many people with low self-esteem grew up receiving messages that they weren’t good enough, that love was conditional, or that their worth depended on performance or achievement. These messages often came from parents, teachers, peers, or broader cultural standards.
As an adult, you might intellectually understand these messages weren’t accurate or fair, but they continue to influence how you see yourself. Therapy helps identify which early messages you’re still living by and develop new, more accurate beliefs based on who you actually are now.
Low self-esteem isn’t just cognitive. It often shows up physically as tension, fatigue, or a sense of heaviness. You might notice your posture changing in situations where you feel evaluated, or experience physical symptoms when facing perceived judgment.
This physical component matters because changing how you hold yourself and move through the world can influence how you feel about yourself. Body-based awareness is often part of building more confident self-regard.
We start by understanding what brings you in and what you want to change.
Many people feel uncertain about starting therapy for self-esteem concerns. In the first session, we focus on understanding your experience. I’ll ask about specific situations where self-doubt shows up, how it affects your daily life, and what you’ve already tried. You don’t need to have everything figured out before we start.
I’ll also explain how CBT approaches low self-esteem and what the work typically involves. We’ll discuss your goals and begin identifying patterns in how you think about yourself. Most people leave the first session with a clearer sense of what we’ll be working on and some initial tools they can practice between sessions.
Feeling capable and being capable don't always match. Therapy helps close that gap.
We start by exploring what’s going on beneath the surface so we can understand what’s driving your challenges.
Together, we connect the dots between your thoughts, emotions and behaviors to discover the meanings you place on distressing events in your life.
You’ll learn and try out new ways of thinking, feeling, and responding that support lasting,
healthy change.
We focus on deepening your growth and helping you carry what you’ve learned into everyday life with confidence and clarity.
What is low self-esteem?
Low self-esteem is a persistent pattern of negative beliefs about your worth or capabilities. It’s not just occasional self-doubt, which most people experience. Low self-esteem involves core beliefs like “I’m not good enough,” “I’m inadequate,” or “I don’t deserve good things” that influence how you interpret situations across different areas of life.
These beliefs often developed early, sometimes from experiences of criticism, comparison, rejection, or conditional approval. They persist even when current circumstances contradict them because they affect how you filter new information. Positive experiences get dismissed or attributed to external factors, while setbacks confirm what you already believe about yourself.
Low self-esteem shows up in how you think, feel, and behave. Common signs include difficulty accepting compliments, constant self-criticism, excessive comparison to others, fear of failure or judgment, people-pleasing, perfectionism, and trouble setting boundaries.
Specific patterns include:
How It Affects Daily Functioning
Low self-esteem influences work performance, relationships, decision-making, and how you respond to both success and failure. At work, it might show up as overwork, imposter syndrome, or avoiding visible projects. In relationships, it often leads to difficulty asserting needs or constant worry about others’ opinions.
Low self-esteem typically develops from early experiences, though it can also emerge later in life. Common sources include childhood criticism, bullying, comparison to siblings or peers, conditional love or approval, perfectionist standards, significant failures or rejections, and experiences of not belonging or being different.
Cultural messages about worth based on achievement, appearance, or status also contribute. For many people, multiple factors combine over time. The beliefs that form early often persist into adulthood, even when circumstances change, because they affect how you interpret new experiences.
Why It Persists
Low self-esteem maintains itself through cognitive and behavioral patterns. You filter information to confirm existing beliefs, discount evidence that contradicts them, and avoid situations that might challenge them. This creates a self-fulfilling cycle where the beliefs stay intact despite opportunities for disconfirmation.
Low self-esteem often feels like a constant undercurrent of doubt about whether you’re good enough, capable, or deserving. For many people, it shows up as an internal voice that’s critical, harsh, and unforgiving. Mistakes feel like character flaws rather than normal parts of learning.
The emotional experience varies. Some people feel anxious about being judged or exposed. Some feel sad or hopeless about ever feeling different. Some feel frustrated because they know intellectually that their self-perception doesn’t match reality. Many people describe it as exhausting because it requires constant effort to prove yourself or protect against perceived judgment.
Low self-esteem influences many areas of functioning. In work settings, it often leads to overwork, perfectionism, imposter syndrome, or avoiding challenges. People might not apply for positions they’re qualified for, might not speak up in meetings, or might discount their contributions.
In relationships, low self-esteem can create patterns of people-pleasing, difficulty setting boundaries, fear of conflict, or staying in relationships that don’t work. Decision-making becomes harder because you don’t trust your judgment. The constant self-doubt takes significant mental energy and affects quality of life even when you’re functioning well from the outside.
People develop low self-esteem for many reasons. Early experiences of criticism, rejection, or conditional approval often create core beliefs about worth. Growing up in environments where love felt conditional on performance, where comparison to others was constant, or where your needs weren’t acknowledged can all contribute.
Significant experiences like bullying, academic or social struggles, or not fitting in can also shape self-esteem. Some people develop low self-worth later in life after failures, relationship endings, or other experiences that challenge their sense of competence. For many, it’s not one single cause but an accumulation of messages over time.
Low self-esteem is difficult to change because it operates at multiple levels. The beliefs are often deeply ingrained, formed early, and reinforced over the years. They affect how you interpret new information, so even positive experiences get filtered through the lens of “I’m not good enough.”
Behavioral patterns also maintain low self-esteem. Avoiding challenges prevents you from gathering evidence that would contradict negative beliefs. Discounting accomplishments means success never updates your self-concept. These patterns are often automatic and feel protective in the short term, which makes them hard to interrupt.
Why Insight Alone Doesn’t Change It
Many people with low self-esteem understand intellectually that their self-perception is distorted. They can list their accomplishments, recognize that their standards are unrealistic, or acknowledge that they’re being too hard on themselves. But this intellectual understanding doesn’t automatically change how they feel. Changing low self-esteem requires changing both the thoughts and the behaviors that maintain it, which takes repeated practice over time.
Therapy for low self-esteem focuses on identifying and changing the specific thought patterns and behaviors that maintain negative self-beliefs. In CBT, we examine the core beliefs you hold about yourself, look at where they came from, and test whether they’re actually accurate based on current evidence.
We also work on changing behaviors that reinforce low self-worth. This includes practicing acceptance of compliments, gradually approaching situations you’ve been avoiding, setting boundaries, and responding to mistakes or setbacks differently. The work involves both understanding the patterns and actively practicing new ways of thinking and behaving.
What Makes It Different From Positive Thinking
Therapy for low self-esteem isn’t about forcing positive thoughts or affirmations. It’s about examining the accuracy of your current thoughts and developing more balanced, evidence-based perspectives. This often means acknowledging both strengths and areas for growth rather than trying to convince yourself you’re perfect or discounting real limitations.
Improving self-esteem involves changing both how you think about yourself and how you behave. In therapy, this means identifying core beliefs that drive self-doubt, examining cognitive distortions like all-or-nothing thinking or mental filtering, and practicing more accurate and balanced ways of thinking.
Behavioral changes include:
The Role of Evidence
Building self-esteem requires gathering actual evidence about your capabilities rather than relying on how you feel. This means tracking successes even when they feel insignificant, noticing when feared outcomes don’t happen, and paying attention to feedback from reliable sources. Over time, this evidence base helps update beliefs that have been resistant to change.
Many people seek therapy when low self-esteem starts significantly affecting their lives. This might mean turning down opportunities, staying in unfulfilling situations, avoiding relationships, or feeling stuck in patterns despite wanting to change. If self-doubt is limiting your life or if you’re exhausted from trying to prove yourself, therapy can help.
Therapy is also appropriate when you’ve tried to change on your own without lasting results, when low self-esteem is affecting your mental health in other ways, like depression or anxiety, or when you recognize patterns but don’t know how to interrupt them.
Low self-esteem can affect anyone, but certain experiences increase vulnerability. People who grew up with critical parenting, high comparison to siblings or peers, conditional approval, or messages that they weren’t good enough often struggle with self-worth. Those with perfectionist tendencies, high achievers, and people from marginalized groups who receive societal messages about their worth are also commonly affected.
It’s important to note that low self-esteem doesn’t always look the same. Some people appear confident and high-functioning while struggling internally. The external presentation doesn’t always reflect the internal experience.
Yes. Low self-esteem can change with focused work. CBT for low self-esteem has strong research support showing that changing thought patterns and behaviors can lead to meaningful improvements in how people see themselves and how they function in daily life.
Change takes time because the patterns are often longstanding and automatic. But people do develop more balanced self-perceptions, build skills for responding to self-criticism, and create behavioral patterns that support rather than undermine self-worth. The goal isn’t perfect confidence but a more accurate and stable sense of your capabilities and worth.
Low self-esteem often contributes to depression and anxiety. If you notice persistent low mood, hopelessness about the future, social withdrawal, or difficulty enjoying activities you used to find meaningful, self-esteem concerns may be affecting your mental health. Similarly, if you experience constant worry about others’ opinions, fear of judgment, or anxiety about being evaluated, self-esteem is likely playing a role.
Other signs include difficulty sleeping because of self-critical thoughts, changes in appetite, reduced motivation, or physical symptoms of stress that seem connected to situations where you feel inadequate or judged.
Therapy, particularly CBT, is effective for improving self-esteem. Research shows that examining and changing negative thought patterns, building behavioral skills, and developing self-compassion lead to meaningful changes in how people view themselves and function in daily life.
What makes therapy effective is the combination of understanding where patterns come from, learning to recognize and challenge distorted thinking in real time, and practicing new behaviors despite discomfort. The work is active and requires practice between sessions, but people do make significant progress.
The length of therapy varies based on how longstanding the patterns are, how they affect daily functioning, and what your specific goals are. Some people see meaningful changes in several months. Others benefit from longer-term work, especially if low self-esteem is connected to depression, anxiety, or other concerns.
In CBT, we set specific goals at the start and track progress regularly. Many people notice changes in how they think and behave within the first few months, though building stable self-esteem often takes sustained practice over time.
Low self-esteem significantly affects relationships. It can lead to patterns of people-pleasing, difficulty asserting needs, fear of conflict, or staying in relationships that don’t work because you don’t think you deserve better. You might constantly worry about what others think, seek excessive reassurance, or avoid close relationships altogether because letting people know you feels too vulnerable.
In terms of identity, low self-esteem makes it difficult to develop a stable sense of who you are because your self-concept depends heavily on external factors. Your worth might feel tied to achievement, others’ approval, or meeting impossible standards. This makes identity fragile rather than grounded in an accurate understanding of your values, capabilities, and inherent worth.
Self-help resources can be useful for learning about low self-esteem and practicing basic skills. Many people benefit from reading about cognitive distortions, trying journaling exercises, or practicing self-compassion techniques on their own.
Therapy offers several things that self-help typically doesn’t. A therapist helps you identify specific patterns you might not recognize on your own, provides an objective perspective when your self-perception is distorted, holds you accountable to practicing new behaviors, and adjusts the approach based on what’s working. Therapy also provides a relationship where you’re consistently valued, which itself can challenge beliefs about worthlessness.
When Self-Help Isn’t Enough
If you’ve tried self-help approaches without lasting change, if low self-esteem is significantly affecting your life, or if you find yourself unable to follow through on changes you know would help, therapy provides structure and support that can make the difference between understanding what needs to change and actually changing it.
$350 for individual therapy
Sessions are typically 45-50 minutes and occur weekly
I do not take insurance, but I can provide documentation for you to submit for out-of-network reimbursement if your plan includes that benefit. For questions about insurance reimbursement, good faith estimates, or financial concerns, please reach out during our consultation call. I want therapy to be accessible, and we can discuss what works for your situation.
My office is located in Brooklyn Heights at 26 Court Street, Suite 600. The office is near Borough Hall and is easily accessible from surrounding neighborhoods, including Cobble Hill, DUMBO, and Boerum Hill.
The office is steps from several subway lines:
Several bus routes stop within one block, including B25, B26, B38, B41, B45, B57, B61, B62, B65, and B67.
Street parking is available but can be limited during business hours. Nearby parking garages include Icon Parking at 180 Montague Street and 85 Livingston Street, LAZ Parking at 92 Livingston Street, and MPG Parking at 40 Clinton Street. I recommend allowing extra time if you’re driving.
Yes, I offer both in-person and online therapy for self-esteem concerns. Online sessions work well for many people and provide flexibility in scheduling. The work we do in online sessions is the same as in-person therapy. We use the same evidence-based approaches, and you have the same opportunity to work on changing thought and behavioral patterns.
Online therapy can be particularly helpful if you have a busy schedule, prefer meeting from home, or live outside of Brooklyn but still want to work with me. I’m licensed in New York State and can see clients anywhere in New York.
Yes, I offer in-person therapy at my Brooklyn Heights office. Many people prefer meeting in person, and the office provides a private, comfortable space for our work. The location is accessible from many Brooklyn neighborhoods and parts of Manhattan.
During the consultation call, we can discuss whether in-person or online sessions make more sense for your situation. Some people also choose to alternate between in-person and online sessions based on their schedule.
The first step is a conversation.
A free consultation is how we begin. We’ll talk about what you’re experiencing, I’ll explain how I work, and together we’ll determine whether this is the right fit for you. No pressure, no commitment. Just an honest conversation about whether CBT for low self-esteem makes sense for your situation.
